Not all Trauma Comes from ‘Big Events’ – How EMDR can Heal Attachment Wounds
As a trauma therapist, I’ve noticed that when it comes to trauma, most people think of ‘big events’ – accidents, losses, or moments of intense fear. But trauma can also happen because of our experiences in early relationships.
Every time you didn’t feel safe, seen, or supported, it created a wound that now whispers messages like “I’m not enough,” “People always leave,” or “It’s not safe to trust.”
As an EMDR therapist who’s worked with childhood trauma for years, I adapt my therapy to suit clients who’ve been hurt in relationships with parents or others in their lives. Please keep reading to learn more.
“New insights gained during EMDR can help you to challenge and change unhealthy relationship patterns”
Why attachment matters
Our earliest relationships teach us what to expect from other people and ourselves. When early bonds were inconsistent, neglectful, or frightening, we may learn to suppress our needs to please others, become so self-reliant that we kid ourselves we don’t need other people, or cling so tightly to people, that we drive them away.
These strategies made perfect sense at the time. But as an adult, they keep you stuck because relationships become a source of anxiety and difficulty.
EMDR therapy and attachment
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a well-researched therapy developed to help people heal from trauma. It works by helping you to process painful experiences, so they become just another part of your past, rather than affecting you in the present.
Using Attachment-Focused EMDR, I take the same approach into the realm of relationships – focusing on the early experiences that shaped how you relate as an adult.
With most clients, there isn’t just one ‘big’ event but a series of experiences that fit a theme or pattern. I help clients to identify and confront these early experiences so that we can process them.
For example, if somebody doesn’t feel good enough in relationships, I would help them trace their current feelings back to an earlier time when they felt a similar way. By doing this, we may discover a time when they were criticised by a parent. And this can become our focus for EMDR processing.
How attachment-focused EMDR works
In therapy, I start by helping you to feel safe and comfortable. Building a good working relationship provides a solid foundation for our work together. Next, I’ll help you to learn ways to calm your body’s stress response using grounding tools.
Tapping into resources
Laurel Parnell – an expert in using EMDR to heal relational trauma – advocates drawing on positive experiences of the past to create resources for the present.
During EMDR, we identify resources – using them to help you cope in daily life and preparing you to process difficult attachment experiences which shape your relationships today.
Processing experiences
I use EMDR’s bilateral stimulation (e.g. eye movements or tapping) to help your brain come to terms with the past. As new insights emerge, you can start to internalise new beliefs. The most common ones I hear are “I’m safe now.” “It wasn’t my fault” “I can trust myself.”
What I’ve noticed is that this new information not only changes how clients’ feel about the past, but also how they start to behave in their adult relationships. For example,
Setting healthy boundaries without guilt
Recognising unhealthy relationship patterns more easily
Trusting supportive people more easily
Communicating their needs more directly
Finally…
Healing attachment trauma isn’t about reliving the past but about freeing yourself from old patterns that no longer serve you.
By drawing on good relational experiences and processing difficult ones in attachment-focused EMDR, you can begin to act differently in your relationships – gaining a deeper self-trust and sense of self-worth.
If this makes sense and you’d like to know more about how it could work for you, please feel free to contact me.