From Peacekeeper to Person: How to Break Free from Family Trauma Bonds
Do you ever find yourself slipping back into old family roles – saying yes when you mean no, biting your tongue to avoid conflict, or feeling guilty for wanting something different?
On the surface, it might feel like you’re just ‘keeping the peace’. But as a therapist, I observe, that what’s often happening is something much deeper: trauma bonding.
Read on to discover what this is and how to overcome it in your own life.
What is traumatic bonding?
You may have heard it before, but trauma bonding can happen in any relationship where there is a clear power dynamic e.g. between a parent and child. It’s when strong emotional ties are formed in an abusive cycle where criticism, or control is mixed with love and approval.
In families, this can look like being valued when you comply and criticised, guilt-tripped, or rejected when you don’t. As a child, adapting to this dynamic may have been essential for survival because – when you depend on your parent – it’s not safe to object.
Over time, you may have learned to equate closeness with self-sacrifice, and independence with rejection. As an adult, it can keep you stuck in a pattern where your needs, feelings, and identity continue to take a back seat to keep your family happy.
Trauma bonding blurs the line between love and control, making it hard to separate who you really are from how your family define you, and expect you to be. So even when you know intellectually it isn’t healthy, doing something different feels wrong – dangerous even.
“Each time you sit with guilt instead of giving in, you strengthen your sense of self.”
Sarah’s Story
Sarah (a fictional client) grew up as the ‘good daughter’. Approval came when she stayed quiet, but control and punishment followed when she expressed any needs and feelings. As an adult, she dreaded family visits because she felt guilty just for being herself.
When Sarah started noticing the tension in her chest and stomach, it was easier to see these responses as reminders of her childhood. With practice, she learned to calmly assert herself and tolerate the guilt it made her feel. Over time, this gave her the confidence to decide what behaviour she was willing to tolerate and set boundaries with her family.
How to free yourself from trauma bonds
1. Notice how your family affects you
Trauma bonds aren’t just ‘in your head’. They live in your nervous system. A racing heart, a knot in your stomach, or a sense of dread before a family gathering are signals from younger parts of yourself that learned compliance kept you safe.
Next time you’re with your family try not to ignore these signs. Noticing and acknowledging them, will help you distinguish between the child who once had no choice and the adult who now does.
2. Tolerate difficult feelings
Breaking trauma bonds means challenging them. This involves facing the emotions that arise when you stop automatically pleasing others – guilt, shame, fear, even grief, are common.
It also means tolerating your family’s discomfort when you decide to stop playing your old role.
This takes courage. But each time you sit with these emotions instead of collapsing into old patterns, you strengthen your sense of self.
“EMDR helps release the emotional weight of the past, so you can live more fully in the present.”
3. Respond as an ‘adult’
When triggered, it’s normal to slip back into childlike reactivity – defending yourself, withdrawing, or giving in.
Responding from the adult part of you means staying calm and rational, being non-defensive, and clear about what is (and isn’t) okay for you.
Responding doesn’t mean rejecting your family. It means remembering that you’re an adult and reclaiming your power to choose who you want to be in those moments.
Healing trauma bonds with EMDR
Because trauma bonding is rooted in unresolved experiences, it often isn’t enough to just ‘think differently’. This is because your body and emotions still react as if you’re back in the past.
Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy can help you to reprocess these experiences, so they lose their emotional charge and have less impact on your present. This makes it easier to step out of the trauma bond and respond as your adult self.
Dan’s Story
Dan (a fictional client) often felt reduced to a small child during family interactions. He noticed that a sharp comment from his father could flood him with fear, shame, and self-doubt.
Using EMDR, Dan revisited and reprocessed memories of feeling shamed and frightened when his father was verbally abusive and controlling. As the memories felt further away, his father’s words no longer had the same impact on him.
As Dan began to see that his father’s behaviour was wrong, he realised the beliefs about himself were also false and distorted. This led him to question whether their relationship was good for him.
Final Thoughts…
Trauma bonds can make family relationships feel confusing. But with awareness and support, you can break the cycle.
By noticing your body, tolerating difficult feelings, and learning to respond rather than react, you can begin to loosen the hold of trauma bonds and feel okay expressing your identity. Therapies like EMDR can help you process the past so you’re free to live more fully in the present.
If this resonates with you let me know in the comments. And if you’d like to know more about how I could help, please feel free to get in contact.