Why Rest Feels Wrong - And How Healing the Past Prevents Future Burnout
Feeling burned out but can’t slow down? Recognising the signs of burnout isn’t always enough. Early life experiences can lead to patterns which fuel work burnout.
Read on to discover the connection between childhood and burnout. And how healing the past can help you feel safer to rest, recover, and prevent future burnout.
“The physical and emotional signs of burnout should jolt us into slowing down. But that’s not easy when burnout is due to patterns learned in childhood”
Exhausted, but still can’t stop?
As a former teaching professional, I got used to performing at a high level – but it took its toll. Yet, despite the stress, poor sleep, and dreading my job, I kept going. The thing is, it felt like I was doing something wrong when not doing something.
You’d think that the physical and emotional signs of burnout alone would be enough to jolt us into slowing down. But not always.
Burnout isn’t Just overwork – it’s survival
Burnout isn’t just about the physical (exhaustion, sleepless nights) and emotional (irritability, overwhelm) signs that you’re working too hard. For many high performers, it goes much deeper.
Sometimes, burnout is the result of how you learned to survive as a child.
It’s not just that you work long hours. It’s that you don’t know how not to. The relentless drive to achieve or prove yourself may come from much earlier in life.
How childhood lays the groundwork
The seeds of burnout may have been planted early. Perhaps you got certain messages or grew up in a home where you learned that:
Achievement was the way to earn approval or just get noticed
You felt responsible for others’ emotions or stability
Rest, emotion, having needs, or asking for help, were all signs of weakness
These experiences often lead to unconscious and unhelpful beliefs like:
“My worth is in what I do, not who I am.”
“Rest is selfish and lazy – I need to be productive.”
“If I don’t keep everyone happy, something bad will happen.”
These beliefs aren’t just thoughts they can get encoded into how you behave today, they were survival strategies that helped your younger self stay connected to your family.
You may have witnessed your parents model these values to you – sending messages about ‘how to be’ through their own behaviours and words.
Why you can’t ‘switch off’
If you’ve tried to rest or slow down, only to feel guilt or anxiety flood in, there’s a good reason.
The part of your brain responsible for survival doesn’t always know the difference between past danger and present reality. If you were once made to feel unsafe or unloved when you rested, said no, or had needs – your body may still respond to stopping as if it’s a threat.
This is why burnout recovery isn’t just about more bubble baths or time off. It’s about addressing the underlying patterns keeping you stuck.
Breaking the cycle with EMDR therapy
Because these patterns are learned – they can also be unlearned. Even if an experience ‘wired’ a certain belief or emotional response into us years ago (like “I’m not good enough” or “I’m not safe”), those pathways aren’t set in stone. So, when you practice new ways of doing things they eventually become habits.
In trauma therapy, I help you to gently explore and identify the patterns keeping you locked in overdrive. And using EMDR therapy, I help you to access and process the experiences which shaped those beliefs and patterns. This can fundamentally alter how you respond to situations where you feel compelled to do too much.
Tapping into resources
Laurel Parnell – an expert in using EMDR to heal relational trauma – advocates drawing on positive experiences of the past to create resources for the present – helping you to not just recover from burnout but prevent it in future.
During EMDR, we identify resources – using them to help you cope in daily life and preparing you to process the experiences which shape the patterns fuelling your burnout. These include developing a ‘nurturing figure’ who looks after you, giving you permission to take time off or feel okay to just not answer that late email.
Embedding a new future
With EMDR, I also help you to embed a new vision for your future. This involves using the power of imagination to envision healthier ways of coping with stress and pressure to perform. And adding bilateral stimulation (e.g. eye movements or tapping) to embed these.
Self-help steps
If therapy isn’t possible now, there are still ways to help yourself in shifting these patterns. It involves becoming more conscious and aware that a pattern may exist, noticing when it occurs, and challenging it.
Notice what feelings come up around rest: Instead of pushing them away, notice and be curious. You could ask yourself: Where have I felt this before? Who taught me that resting isn’t okay?
What are the specific situations that trigger these feelings: What happens next e.g. overwork. Is this helping you to avoid uncomfortable feelings in your life?
Practice micro-boundaries: For example, saying ‘I need a few minutes’ or replying to messages a bit later than usual.
These might seem like small steps, but they can work because taking these actions helps you realise, over time that your fears are unfounded. And repeating what helped you feel safe in the past (e.g. ignoring your needs) just creates more problems in the present.
These steps send a powerful message to your body and mind: Things are different now. I’m an adult and I have the power to choose.
Final thoughts….
Burnout isn’t a failure of willpower or a sign that you’re not tough enough – it’s often a deeply ingrained survival response, shaped long before your first job or your first deadline.
Therapy, especially approaches like EMDR, can help you unravel the roots of these patterns and create new, healthier responses to stress.
You don’t have to earn your rest or prove your value by burning out. You are allowed to pause and choose a new way.
If this resonates with you let me know in the comments. And if you’d like to know more about how I could help you please feel free to get in contact.